I've just had the worst Christmas of my life. One of my closest friends - someone who I've been close to, and have spent a lot of time with for over a year, and for whom I have deep feelings, said she was in love with me.
I pushed her away because I knew she is a person who won't understand PSSD. Or it would make things awkward, we'd break up, and then I'd lose her as a friend as well. I'm crazy about her, and it hurts so much.
This is for me a critical moment because yet again the possibility of me having a relationship with someone has been thwarted. I've cried about it, looked over photos and videos from a coastal road trip we just took before she later told me how she felt, relived the moment where we by pure chance pulled up at an amazing beach and watched the sun set and where she embraced me and where I knew at that moment, after a year of people speculating when we would finally get together, that THAT was the time to finally tell her how I felt and to kiss her. And I couldn't.
I'm so angry and frustrated and hurt. I know there's the whole "if she truly loves you, she'll understand" thing, but she's a few years younger than me, full of vitality, and leads an uncomplicated (but busy) life. I don't want to fuck that up for her or to complicate it.
How many more chances at happiness am I going to miss out on? How many wonderful people that I meet will I never be able to have a relationship with, without even being able to know whether things would even work out?
I know negative posts aren't good, but I don't think I've ever been so upset about having PSSD as having its consequences smashed in my face on this occasion. I just wanted to get this off my chest.
If anyone reads this and has been upset, just know that you're not alone. I know things could be worse, etc., but it still hurts.
This defines a lot of how I've felt so many times. I'm pretty good at talking to girls, have a good number of friends, and really enjoy knowing people on deeper levels. I've hurt and confused a good number of people by having to pull away. For me, it has often been too hard to tell someone than it is to open up about my darkest secret. I push people away and hurt them.
It's not even always girls. It's friends or family who also take the brunt of my PSSD that no one knows about. Sometimes I'll be up late editing and responding to messages on the forum (right now haha), or trying to do some research, and it all takes up so much time. Time where others are relaxing.
You're not alone, and it's not easy.
I will say that my best experiences have come from diving headfirst into the unknown, and seeing what happens. I'd rather try and fail than never try at all. This is easier said than done however, and I totally understand that.
Best of luck.
My info and history:http://goo.gl/Xs071f. SSRI: Lexapro. Sept '14.
i had a similar situation happen to me last New Year's Eve. I think it's better if you explain things to people as much as you can though because the chances of her understanding are actually pretty high. I've made the mistake of not doing that in the past and it makes things worse. If it means anything, there are perfectly understanding men and women with the exact same condition as you to talk to at any time. This forum is pretty responsive and (hopefully) growing. I don't think it's a bad idea to vent on there sometimes. In fact, I just noticed the mental health section and I think it could be useful. At one point, I think someone on here was talking about starting a Skype group. Obviously, some people would feel weird about showing their faces but I don't give a shit. Yesterday, for the first time, I told one of my friends about my condition and she was baffled. She definitely believes it and that alone makes me feel a little better. To my disbelief, during my last and final urology visit, the nurse practitioner or whoever she is, said that she believed me and that PSSD didn't seem crazy to her. Sorry, I'm rambling. What I'm trying to say is that there is more information/research and support than ever before. Just know you're not alone!
Fucking pssd - i asked for help i was given hell.....and that wonderfull christmas....yesterday my old frien met me and she said she couldynd sleep after seeing me in pub i dont want to speak to anyone....dont wanna see anyone....the hapiest person all over the world....hit the bottom rock.....i had friends from so many countries....turkey, germany, spain, ukraine, maroko.....now i fell so alone ......i don t even wanna to to girl i used to love.....although she is still in my dreams....but from real man.....i went to disable shit....i don t coun time .....make mistakes at work.....crashet my car.....don t care about my self....i used to do stylish t shirts better than armani ;P for myself now....now i m nowere man....have you handeled with that issues....has apathy lifted with time.....i need somthing that kick my....i had mor passions than time....now nothing....any advice i suffer so much....
Thanks to you all for your replies - I really appreciate them.
It certainly is encouraging to know that I (indeed, we) am/are not alone. I take solace in that, and that despite this possibly being an uncommon condition, there are other people out there who understand what it feels like to go through this.
Happy New Year to you all. I hope you take care of yourselves, and try to subscribe to the idea that PSSD is only one part of life. I'm hoping that if I build up my life in all other areas and keep on the look-out for ways to beat this, then all will (one day) be okay. I'm clinging to that.