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Blueturtle Intro "I’m scared and I need help"

Unread postPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2019 4:28 pm
by Blueturtle
Hey there

I hope whoever is reading this is doing ok and thinking positive stuff. I’ve been in a very bad way for 8 months now and I’m not doing well right now.

I’m feeling sick. To be honest i’ve been feeling extremely sick off and on for 6 years now, ever since I started getting severely depressed for no reason at the age of 14 and put on SSRIS. I can’t tell you how difficult this has been. After that I got used to a life of horrific brain fog, depersonalizations, crippling fatigue, anxiety, anhedonia, genital anesthesia and ejaculatory anhedonia, each becoming more and less severe at different times.

I’m so angry and despairing about all of this. Getting horribly sick in the first place is bad enough, but being put on potent psychiatric pills by your parents without consent that are profound disrupters of gonadal hormones, dopamine receptors, and increase the risk of suicidal thoughts in children in clinical trials SUBMITTED TO THE FUCKING FDA WITH A BLACK BOX WARNING makes all of this so much worse. Sorta helped in the short term, very very harmful in the long term.

Life never felt as colourful or rich to me since then, even when some very good things ( Which I am greatful for ) happen to me. I feel so cold and empty and horrified these days, not feeling sexually attracted to women like I should be and a horrific inability to feel sexual pleasure is even worse. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I go to the doctor. Testosterone: very high.

What the actual fuck, I feel completely Asexual 80% of the time and I apparently I got the T of an athlete. Somethings very very wrong with me. I feel it in my soul. I’m so scared. What is wrong with my endocrine system? What’s messed up???

It also doesn’t help when a certain individual writes on my story “get a horomone panel done” I message for more details on which horomone’s in particular. Then the reply.

“ u have brain damage, will start a thread about it “

Thankfully that stupid ignorant thread was removed.

What hasn’t been removed is waking up every day with profound genital anaesthesia and my despair terror and anger. Today I lost my mind and punched several holes in the wall and now have a sprained thumb to show for it.

No one fucking cared about me. It’s not fun to have your parents and teachers watch while you burn in Hell. Did anyone care? No. Just take your pills and shut up.

I’m so hopeless. I’ve been this way about a third of my life now and it’s only the progress we’re making together that’s keeping me going.

Getting hospitalized for suicidal ideation several months ago and having a psychiatrist condescend me and call me crazy for taking about PSSD and calling me psychotically depressed and recommending serotonin agonist (Effexor) and dopamine antagonist (antipsychotic) to “help” me the same fucking drugs that cause sexual dysfunction in the first place, sexual dysfunction being the fucking reason I was suicidal in the first place.

Tuesday I’m seeing a diferent psychiatrist, maybe they’ll take me seriously with my medical references and my serious unexplained symptoms. Hopefully they’ll actually listen to me like my College Doctor who actually cared and wanted to help me.

Three studies describe complete reversal of sexual deficits in rats from clomipramine and partial reverse for citalopram neonatal exposure using the treatments of Estradiol + DHT, 8-OH-DPAT, and imipramine(for citalopram rats) has given me so much hope. It is possible to beat this. Considering the rats were given SS/NRI’s for the equivalent of the time frame of 1 month - 2 years in human time it looks like a positive sign as well as the reports of improvement on this forum from different therapies. Something can be done about this.

I know I sound like a broken record talking about dumb rat studies but I just want to see a light at the end of a tunnel.

I just want to love and sexually connect with someone else like a normal person, that’s all I want.

I don’t want to die. I desperately want to live but I don’t want to live the rest of my life feeling like my brain and genitals are disconnected and being a psychiatric patient.

I’m so scared and hopeless and sick. I’ve never felt so afraid. I want to be OK.

Re: I’m scared and I need help

Unread postPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2019 4:35 pm
by DGS94
I feel for you, man. I really do. I know how horrific it is to go through this, but one day we will beat it. One day we'll look back and be so grateful that we stuck through the hard times to experience life as it is supposed to be.

Stay strong, dude! <3

Re: I’m scared and I need help

Unread postPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2019 4:56 pm
by Blueturtle
Zadig777 could you do me a favour and not comment on this thread?

I’d prefer to not be a recipient of anymore of your “help”

Re: I’m scared and I need help

Unread postPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2019 5:05 pm
by sovietxrobot
I know how you feel. nobody gets it. nobody understands what its like to lose a part of yourself. when I describe PSSD most doctors tell me "that doesn't happen."

I'm not cured, but I'm doing a lot better than I was. I had the horrible brain fog, complete anhedonia, and frequent illness. are you currently taking anything?

Re: I’m scared and I need help

Unread postPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2019 5:06 pm
by Blueturtle
zadig777 wrote:btw estradiol has been tried by blackout like the rats did and made him very very worse
just so u know...


I never said that any treatment couldn’t potentially have dangerous or serious effects, I’m just saying the rat studies suggest it’s possible to do something.

Jeez dude way to be passive aggressive about a serious topic. I’m trying to reach out for help and you show up yapping.

Just leave me alone.

Re: I’m scared and I need help

Unread postPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2019 5:12 pm
by Blueturtle
sovietxrobot wrote:I know how you feel. nobody gets it. nobody understands what its like to lose a part of yourself. when I describe PSSD most doctors tell me "that doesn't happen."

I'm not cured, but I'm doing a lot better than I was. I had the horrible brain fog, complete anhedonia, and frequent illness. are you currently taking anything?


Wellbutrin 300 mg, omega 3 fatty acids, b12, vitamin D, Iron.

Was taking ginkgo Biloba I took good doses for 3 months it didn’t do much so I stopped.

I’m considering trying a different antidepressant considering I’m still having suicidal thoughts... Jesus.

Thank you for commenting.

Re: I’m scared and I need help

Unread postPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2019 5:17 pm
by Blueturtle
DGS94 wrote:I feel for you, man. I really do. I know how horrific it is to go through this, but one day we will beat it. One day we'll look back and be so grateful that we stuck through the hard times to experience life as it is supposed to be.

Stay strong, dude! <3


Thanks dude I appreciate your support :)

Re: I’m scared and I need help

Unread postPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2019 5:29 pm
by sovietxrobot
I actually had to go back on lexapro, my anxiety and depression was out of control. It didn't effect my PSSD one or way or the other, but it helped my mood.

It can't hurt to get a hormone panel done. Check test, free test, and prolactin. I had elevated prolactin, which I tried to treat with Vitamin E. I haven't had it checked again so I don't know how much that helped.

Buspar/buspirone is a non-SSRI med for anxiety, some people report it helps with PSSD. I've been on it forever. I had good results with yohimbine, it gives me a boost in mood and has a minor positive effect on PSSD.

Dopa mucuna/mucuna pruriens has been shown to be at least as effective in treating Parkinson's disease, suggesting it has strong dopaminergic properties. I started taking this and it completely resolved my anhedonia, its pretty remarkable. It helped with PSSD as well. Maca has been shown to relieve PSSD in women, particularly post-menopausal. I had an outstanding window when I first started this, but I haven't been able to get back to that point. Overall, it helps. I also had good results with Ashwanghana. Supposedly l-theanine helps to metabolize dopa mucuna so I take that as well.

I had negative results with St Johns Wort, Magenesium, and Horny Goat Weed. Try one thing at a time, and carefully record how you feel. if it helps you and its stable, add it to the stack and try the next thing.

Re: I’m scared and I need help

Unread postPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2019 6:10 pm
by Ghost
No one is gonna get banned. The reason we are strict is because people come to us and say that certain types of posts make them feel suicidal. If something crosses a line, we take it down. We try to spell it out in the rules but are always open to new suggestions. I error on the side of being safe when suicide is in the debate. This is in no way an attack on the people who post things that are edited. I've had things edited and taken down some of my posts as well when it's seen fit.

I have nothing but the utmost respect for, and trust in, the other mods on the forum.

@Blueturtle, please hang in there.

My best suggestion for everyone who is really depressed is to look into Ketamine. It was life-changing for me. I think that more people should do it if they can find any way. It's wonderful for depression and really the only drug of its kind and one that doesn't act like an SSRI.

Re: I’m scared and I need help

Unread postPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2019 6:33 pm
by Blueturtle
Ghost wrote:No one is gonna get banned. The reason we are strict is because people come to us and say that certain types of posts make them feel suicidal. If something crosses a line, we take it down. We try to spell it out in the rules but are always open to new suggestions. I error on the side of being safe when suicide is in the debate. This is in no way an attack on the people who post things that are edited. I've had things edited and taken down some of my posts as well when it's seen fit.

I have nothing but the utmost respect for, and trust in, the other mods on the forum.

@Blueturtle, please hang in there.

My best suggestion for everyone who is really depressed is to look into Ketamine. It was life-changing for me. I think that more people should do it if they can find any way. It's wonderful for depression and really the only drug of its kind and one that doesn't act like an SSRI.


Thanks Ghost

I will look into ketamine. I’ve read stories about it, it’s helped people who have had to deal with and conquer devestating and tragic chapters in there life, the worst stuff. Frankly worse then what I’m going through honestly. Yes I’ll definitely give it a try after talking to a doctor.

I tried to make this thread measured and calm I’m just so overwhelmed with everything.