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I'm new here - looking for friends/help/understanding

Unread postPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2018 5:16 pm
by jagged73
Hello. I found this site / forum after a very strange few days. This week I've been doing what I usually do when I start over-thinking too much and this leads me (trying to) get some understanding on why I am what I am. One thing leads to another, one click leads to another and then I start finding out about something I never knew about.
This thing I've just found out about gave me an epiphany in a way, and the dawning realisation that "this is why I am so messed up"
So I never knew it before but the more I've read and more links I clicked (and youtube videos I watched) I've realised I've got PSSD.

I should give some background and clarity on who I am/ what brought me here.
I'm 44 year old man from London (45 in a few weeks). I haven't had the happiest of lives but also I haven't had a horrible life either. I am starting to realise I have always just been a quiet, melancholic guy who has always masked my real emotions, I always tried to be one of the lads when I was younger. I have a few older brothers and I'm a working class guy who has never held down a long-term job for very long.
I left London when I was in my mid-20s and moved up north and round about this time I started feeling very sad and even though I could sense I wasn;t the most confident person in the world before this, I still never experienced what I now realised was the beginnings of depression ( I still don't know whether I had it earlier than this time but aged 25 I guess is when it was noticeable and I first went to a GP to say I was feeling low and emotional lately (this was about 2001)).
So I was prescribed antidepressants around this time and I thought "ok, i'll try this even though I don't feel i've got bad BAD depression, i still want to feel better.
I think I was on the a/d's for maybe a year or so and then I thought to myself i don't need these anymore and stopped.
Fast forward a few years. It's 2010= 2011 and I'm in a relationship and my girlfriend and I decide to stop smoking. I try zyban from my GP. I last about 6 or 7 days of the 10 i'm told to but I stop because I'm feeling so so weird one night - freaking out as my mind is racing and body feels weird.
I come off them and that's that for a while. I then go back to the GP some time in 2011-2012 because I am feeling very low again and my girlfriend says she's worried about me as I've gone so quiet and staring into space a lot.
Now from 2012 onwards up til now I am consistently on antidepressants and pretty much haven't stopped since that time (like I did in 2001-2002 and 2010-2011)

But over the years I have had mixed signals in myself about my sexual needs, my sexual desire and having sex in general.
Whenever I have been with women I have either had great sex and feelings or I have lost my erection mid-way through or cannot come no matter how long I go for and how close I feel i'm getting .
But the desire and the turn-on i feel used to always be there evn if i was getting confused signals from my brain etc
Last year I went to my GP again ( a new one, a lady GP) and told her I think the antidepressants I was on (Fluoxetine and then Citalopram) were making it hard for me to achieve orgasm and also losing my erection.
I said I didn't know what to do as I was still taking the a/d's. She said we could try a different kind of a/d and she prescribed me Sertraline.
So over the course of 2017 to April 2018 I was taking them and I still didn't feel that sexual a lot of the time but the desire was there some times. Then I came off the sertraline (tapered slowly) in April, for the first few weeks I was ok but then I realised I was recoiling from sexual activity with my g/friend and didn't even want to try, it was almost repulsing me (never felt this way before) to be intimate in any way. My relationship ended and things just got more depressing. I basically had a breakdown during July/August. I did not want to go back on antidepressants but loved ones told me I should go back to the doctor as I was feeling so hopeless and was (secretly) seriously contemplating suicide for the first serious time ever I gave it real thought most days.
I eventually knew I needed a safety net and went back to the GP and went back on Citalopram. This leads me to now.
Started reading more on line and things lead me to learning about PSSD / I can't even really enjoy masturbating lately. I tried to look at porn a couple of times just to see if it excites me - it does and it doesn't in a way. I get an erection but i'm even losing that mid-wank a few times. I have successfully ejaculated once or twice but where I am right now is not much desire to try sex and no interest really and with masturbation and porn - even that has fallen so low.
I don't want to be like this the rest of my life. When I heard about PSSD it shocked and frightened me that I may now have fucked up my mind indefinitely and will never again be able to enjoy sex or ever able to come again when having sex (if I even get to enjoy it again)
I'm just looking for understanding and any advice or ideas about what I can do etc.
Thanks for reading guys.

Re: I'm new here - looking for friends/help/understanding

Unread postPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2018 1:02 pm
by Snake
Are you sure that your symptoms are not a result of your depression? PSSD symptoms are among others erectile dysfunctions, numbness, anorgasmia and they last no matter what you do.

Re: I'm new here - looking for friends/help/understanding

Unread postPosted: Mon Oct 29, 2018 1:59 pm
by tenacity
Hi there! Sorry to hear about your struggle. I just wanted you to know that I'd be happy to talk whenever I'm around and I think I can speak for most here and say that we are all willing to be your friend and do what we can. From what I understand you are still on Citalopram, correct? I had a similar issue with Lexapro that lasted for about 4 months up until now where I am finally seeing some form of recovery. It is rough but I think especially if you are still on the medication the best thing you can do is give it time. It is up to you on whether or not you think continuing the medication would be more beneficial to you. I empathize with you completely. I ran into my problems right around the same time I started to enter my first physical relationship so it was really painful for me, but I was lucky to have understanding, patient people around me. It is a process but I think you'll likely be ok. Stay strong friend!